The Rainbow

I’m going to be completely honest here and let everyone know that after our loss, I didn’t feel as though I would be okay inside until our rainbow appeared after our storm. I can’t tell you why I felt this way, I just did. I knew I would never stop going over the WHAT IFS in my head until that day came. What if EVERYONE who I love had been supportive and ACKNOWLEDGING of this baby, and I didn’t have any additional stress in my life? What if my 3 day headache and my nasal simplex outbreak both were warning signs I ignored. What if I didn’t lose my ever loving mind when I had to take my kitty, Gizmo, to a local shelter whom I was suspicious of- which I thought might euthanize him for no reason instead of spraying him like they promised me…why did I have to stress out so much?! What if I hadn’t lifted XYZ that weighed a lot? What if I didn’t go to the chiropractor the days prior to our miscarriage?

All the things. All of them.

We wanted a “cactus baby” from our Mexico trip. As luck would have it, I was ovulating that very first day there. It was a sign wasn’t it? Nope, didn’t happen.

What if I can never get pregnant again? What if all the babies I carry from here on out die?

People say not to think or speak these things, as if it will sway what is going to happen in the future. Well, I have the right to say and think these things because I am a normal, scared, grieving human. Also, when you’ve been clinically diagnosed with extreme anxiety for 11-13 years, you can’t shut these thoughts out. You cannot will them away, the best you can do is think them in your head and not speak them out loud, so that nobody will scold you for thinking what you think or feeling how you feel. That isn’t very healthy either, is it?

Finally, on an October morning, our day came. The day we got to see the rainbow. Well, it wasn’t a real rainbow, it was more like a faint pink line. That very day, I got the worst stomach virus. But, still, I got to dry heave under my beautiful rainbow. See how I was positive there for one time?! Write that down.

I tried to tell my husband in a cute way with Starbucks cups…I had all our names on them…then one itty bitty cup with the name “baby” on it…and he didn’t understand. Total announcement fail. That’s neither here nor there, excitement ensued, then I threw all of my Starbucks up and never went there again. It’s not the same once you taste your Starbucks in vomit. Never again.

(You have no idea what a pain in the butt the above photo was to edit. After about 3 hours, and it still lookin sloppy, I said screw it, I’m finished!!!)

The wait for our first appointment seemed like FOREVER. You know I tormented myself everyday too, right. Because it’s who I am as a person. I had a billion dollar store pregnancy tests and every few days I would take one to see if the line was getting darker to show myself that I wasn’t losing the baby. Every bathroom trip, I would wipe and examine the tissue, to make sure there were no traces of blood.

Finally, our appointment came and we saw this little tiny alien speck on the ultrasound and saw the heart flickering. We were 6 weeks, not 8 like we thought, so there wasn’t much to see. I was grateful to see that flicker though. It wasn’t nothing. Our doctor let us know everything looked great and that we have a Fourth of July baby on our hands!

(There’s my husband waiting on his Pap smear)

I was pretty green for the next little while. Our ten week appointment came last week. I brought along my husband and the two big kids to see the baby. Can I tell you I was DREADING this appointment? All day, I wanted to call and cancel it. I wanted to just say “let’s wait until 20 weeks to look at it again”. You’ll note that this is not normal behavior, it is behavior associated with a loss, and the fear of that office confirming another loss. I boohooed that morning over the fear I had. I almost lost it driving to the appointment…I mean what will we tell the kids if the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat this time? They’ll be there with us!!!! Finally, it was time to see our little firework baby. And the visual was instant to me, usually they have to dig around to find it, but as soon as the machine hit my belly, I saw a flash of that baby. After a little pressing, we immediately heard the loud heartbeat and I could see the baby’s arms and legs moving around like crazy. It was like God knew that I needed that. With the baby we lost, I never saw that. I almost lost it again, but because I was so relieved this baby was alive. But I really HATE crying in front of strangers and I think that’s the ONLY thing that reeled the tears back inside my eyeballs. I overheard the kids arguing…Buddy thinks it looks like a baby dinosaur…and Harper is too smart for her age and knew it was a baby baby…so the heated debate began between those two. I didn’t confirm to either which child was correct. Because the baby dinosaur theory is really cute.

I used to do these really need questions on every blog post regarding weekly milestones. I’m going to try to do that with baby firework too! So let me make my first attempt to get back into the milestone game here:

TEN WEEKS

Size of the baby:

Baby firework is the size of a strawberry right now.

Milestones FOR baby firework:

According to the bump, Baby has working arm joints, and cartilage and bones are forming.

Baby’s vital organs are fully developed and they’re starting to function.

Baby’s fingernails and hair are starting to appear too.

Weight Gain:

i will not touch base on this topic for EVERY post. I have already gained 15 pounds. Now, I really believe this is a coymbination between the loss we experienced in the summer combined with the new baby cravings. Also, I drink so much water and Gatorade, that I’m constantly bloated in my belly area. I’m just SO THIRSTY. Homegirl needs to get QUENCHED!!!!!

Movement:

This is a luxury I have only been able to SEE via an ultrasound machine. I won’t be able to feel it until 14-18 weeks.

What I miss:

a full nights rest. And by that, I mean, give me like 6 hours of sleep, PLEASE!!!! I sleep around 3-4 hours a night because of a medication change, and the frequent urge to pee.

Cravings:

• Fazzolis meat sauce
• Sushi…specifically the kind with steak in it!
• Blackberries, all of them…in the entire world. I’m serious. I eat 2-4 large boxes of blackberries PER DAY, people. It is not normal.
• Pizza
• Dippin dots. (Which are rather elusive in Alabama)
• Sprite with rabbit ice

I’m excited about:

To know the gender of this child! We should actually know THIS WEEK if I’m having a baby dinosaur or a baby unicorn. The debate is on whether or not to do something cute together to find out.

I’m nervous about:

• Future appointments, how fat I’m going to get, and for the results of the genetic testing we just sent off.
• Working while very pregnant. I will work up until my due date unless I am put on bed rest.

Preparations for baby:

This is mainly done in discussion. Like, the baby’s room will be our room. The crib will go where my desk currently is. My desk/work area will probably hop around to various rooms in the house until I find the spot that feels just right to work in.

We do have this baby some wubbanub pacifiers already. I wanted something little just to have FOR the baby. I did not have anything like that for the last baby. The best I had was a necklace I got at a maternity store that was meant to be on my future cute belly. I still love to wear it.

(That necklace)

Our Loss

What kind of blog friend would I be to y’all if I didn’t tell you such a huge burden we had to carry over the last few months? Not everyone knew that we found out we were expecting Baby Price over the summer.

Now, while I feel this doesn’t matter, and question why it concerns people so much, no, we weren’t trying to get pregnant at the time. We weren’t 100% NOT trying though. Again, none of anybody’s business, but it’s just what so many people asked me. Perhaps just out of curiosity. Though we weren’t actively trying, we were VERY excited about this baby! We stayed up late at night picking out our favorite boy and girl names. I looked in a maternity store for bump friendly clothes, went crazy on Pinterest, and etsy’d my little heart out! I mean it’s been practically 5 years since I designed a nursery and got to experience all the excitement pregnancy brings a mommy!

When we were around 7-8 weeks, I got this NASTY headache. I couldn’t shake it. It was very similar to a migraine and it lasted a solid 72 hours. As soon as the headache eased up, I started to spot. My heart sank. It was NOT normal and I knew it. I went downstairs to feed the boys and after I gave them their food I just sank down onto the kitchen floor in a heap of sobs. Buddy came over and hugged me and he asked me why I was crying and said I could have his Lovey. My sweet kitty baby Gizmo, immediately started to act concerned and laid in my lap while I sobbed trying to figure out what I should do next. I decided that I would never have peace of mind if I didn’t go to the ER. That’s where I went. I didn’t want to go in. I sat in my car, HYSTERICAL, hyperventilating and on the brink of a full blown panic attack. I knew when I went in, they’d tell me something terrible and I didn’t want that. After I finally got up the composure to go inside and check in, the nurse at the front desk asks me “how far along WERE you?” That broke my heart even more. They got me back into a room and I went through a full pelvic exam and the longest and most invasive ultrasound I’ve EVER had. The dr told us our baby was there, and had a nice heart beat, and no damage could be found. That was great. Except it wasn’t. I didn’t believe this ER staff. I knew the pain wasn’t normal. I trusted my body, and not those professionals. We went home and everything got so much worse. I mean so much. I was having waves of almost unbearable pain, very similar to contractions, and passing big clots. I was barking “I don’t believe the doctors!!! We are not having THIS baby. There’s just no way”. My doctor got me in that next day and again, baby and heartbeat we’re there. She mentioned it could have been two babies and a twin was miscarried. Now, I trust MY doctor. I’m still leery but I let myself feel a little better in that moment. I go home and it gets worse. I can’t even walk with the pain. My doctor asks me to come back the next am, and confirmed to me that our baby died in my tummy that night.

It broke me.

Writing this story is breaking me again. I want that baby back. I don’t understand why my baby had to go be with Jesus before I could meet him/her/them.

I’ll never forget passing what I believed to be our baby. It’s extremely vivid in my memory. Almost like I was standing there watching myself.

Even though this child was not planned, we were excited. We loved the plan god had surprised us with a little early. We didn’t know how badly we wanted this until we got it.

Did I mention this broke me?

After 2 weeks of literally not being a human, I went to Mexico with my husband for a year later honeymoon and to clear my head. It was definitely therapeutic, and I needed it.

We do believe that after every storm, comes a rainbow, and that is what pushes us forward. One day we will see our little rainbow.

Rainbow, you are planned, loved, wanted, and a part of our hearts before you even exist.

Thanks for reading our story and sharing our loss with us. I know this is an extremely common road that so many travel, and my heart is with you on your journey as well.

Bell

Bringing y’all up to speed

HELLO FRIENDS!!!! It has been YEARS since I was active in this world, and a lot has changed since you last read my blog posts! I am going to try to catch you up, as well as I possibly can!

I guess the first thing I should let you know is that I went through a pretty yucky split last spring/summer. Honestly, it had been a long time coming, and only one of us wanted to fight for it. As most may know, one person fighting for a relationship is never enough.

The kids and I dealt with a lot of emotions attached to feeling abandoned. I cannot legally say that we were abandoned, but we had issues and feelings related to abandonment and betrayal.

It was nasty, it was hard, it hurt, but at the end of the day, I THANK GOD IT HAPPENED TO US!!!!! After our court order was signed in August (we had seen the judge in July but adjustments had to be made to the final order before it was completed), I bought a house for the kids and I! This was all very exciting and fun! DAY ONE of the kids living in their new home, and it was like I had brand new children! They were no longer in the pains of instability and drowning in their feelings of abandonment. It was just SO RIGHT. Almost perfect, actually! A fresh start!

This piece of the story is out of order to keep the story above simple, but after the judge signed our court order in August, I immediately met and started dating JP (aka Joshua). We’re talking like a few days after the order was signed. But like I said, it had been over for years, and also we had an official court date back in July. Potato potato, but I just want to make it clear that I did not date until everything was final legally speaking.

It was a real whirlwind, I’m talking we were OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER. Every single lunch break the man had, we would race down the road to spend lunch together! Inseparable is a good word for it.

He had it all! EXTREMELY FUNNY, insanely smart, great job (because he’s good at it), had his life in order with a home and a car to go with it. AND HE LOVED CATS. That was my first mistake with the last one, lack of kitty love. Lesson learned!!!! You’ve got to know how to pat the puss (shout out to Erika Jane) properly to be a truly good attentive man.

So here’s your timeline on that relationship:

Met in August 2016

Engaged in October 2016

Married in October 2016 by a pastor named Betsy 😂😂. Also, my new name is Bell Price!

Obtained a great custody arrangement for my step son, Cooper, who is now 21 months old in April 2016. Cooper was 15 months at the time the custody was set in place.

In May 2016 we tragically lost my sweet Otis, my kitty LOVER. He got outside and hasn’t been seen since. It was a huge heartbreak and loss to me. I grieved that kitty being gone like I would grieve a family member, and I NEVER thought I’d say that in my entire life. I am NOT one of those people who say “oh pets are just like kids and their lives are as important”. I’m just not. It’s ok if you are, but it was just never how I operated.

In June, we fostered a sweet, floppy, fluffy kitten named Millie, who we took in for forever. She was THE SWEETEST EVER!

In July, we were given a kitten. My friend found me this kitten INTENTIONALLY. We didn’t even really know each other at the time except via the internet, so I’m 900000% sure this was a god thing. He knew how heartbroken I was, and spoke to Stacy, who, in turn got me Gizmo. This situation was all to perfect for it to be not God sent. He’s the most unique kitty I’ve ever had, besides Oats. He is a Norwegian forest cat with extra toes, and our connection is INSANE. It’s not normal. You only get one kitty relationship like what we have in a lifetime. Codependent is an understatement with Gizmo and I. He helped fill the fuzzy otis shaped hole in my heart.

In late July, we found out that we were expecting Baby Price! We were Extremely excited!!! OVER THE MOON!!!!!

In early August, Harper started kindergarten!!!

This next one is rough. I’ve even gone ahead and made a blog post to document it, so that after you read this, you can hear the full story.

In late August, our little baby went to be with Jesus. I was not ok. I am now, but I was not then. Gizmo laid with me 100% of the time, and would lick my tears off my face when they’d pour out while he purred and snuggled my face. Millie, our kitty had been sick WEEKS prior to this with something our vet couldn’t figure out. Millie left to be with Jesus the night after our baby went to be with Jesus. She laid on my belly for hours while I was in labor like pain the days prior. It was like she left with the baby to watch after him/her/them.

In September, we went on our honeymoon in Mexico!

…and here we are in October, celebrating our one year anniversary! WOOHOO!!!

There you have it, people, you are up to speed!!!!

Xoxo

Bell

A letter from Buddy

(Read in southern accent)

Dear Mowma,

I haven’t the words to express my undying love for you.  (Mainly because I’m only 5 months old and nobody has taught me about vocabulary.)  I’m the luckiest boy in the world.  What more could I ask for?

 

You have pretty hair that you love for me to pull out.  You scream with excitement every time I score a few strands for my collection.

You love my farts.  You make the most special faces when you smell them.  You even turn a  shade of purple from holding your breath, mowma, and it’s a lovely color.  I like it a lot.

I like the way you bounce me!

Sometimes when I throw up, you catch it.  It must be like gold to you.

I love your milk jugs.  Even though you don’t give them to me as much as you used to, I never stopped loving them.  Sometimes I suck on your amazing shoulder just imagining it’s your boob.  You have nice shoulders too, by the way.

Even though I love you Mowma, there are a few things that you need to explain.

Who is that man who thinks he can sleep in OUR bed?  I don’t really appreciate it.

Sometimes when we take walks through the bathroom I see a big picture of you holding another little boy.  I give him a dirty look every time.  Who is he?  I feel like you’ve been cheating on me when I see it.  Can we take it down?  Who has pictures of themselves with little boys in their bathroom anyways?  It’s not right.

When I finally get my diaper off, after minutes of trying, you seem so disappointed.  Why can’t you just be happy for me in my moment of triumph?

What’s up with the purple bumbo you make me sit in to supervise Bell’s Bows?  Although I like my position with the company, I feel like I deserve a little more respect.  Maybe a mint bumbo?  Is that too much to ask?  Clearly you’re doing well for yourself…couldn’t splurge an extra 30$ for a freaking gender appropriate bumbo?

Keep those ribbons coming my way, they make me happy.

 

Oh yea, and someone dropped a deuce in my tub last month.  It wasn’t okay.  I need you to keep a better watch on that sort of stuff.  It’s a health hazard.

Well, enough of this negative stuff, Mowma, I want to leave you on a positive note.  I love you and I promise I am working on a gift for you right now.  I will call you tonight around 3am so we can hang out and maybe give you my gift.

Sincerely yours,

Buddy

Is it September yet?

Prepare yourselves.  This is just a negative Nancy post.  I need to let it all loose on you guys!!!

This MONTH has been rough.  Let me tell you about this month.

We have gone to about 10 (maybe more, but I’ve lost the ability to correctly count)  doctor related appointments IN 22 DAYS.

A few weeks ago, Harper started to wake up in the middle of the night around 2-3 am screaming.  She would be inconsolable sometimes.  I recognized this as abnormal and my brain went back to her previous cyst discovery a couple of months ago.  I thought surely it must be bothering her.  To my advantage, our pediatric gynocologist forgot to order an ultrasound for her when we had an appointment with him a couple of months ago.  I was able to call him and point out his mistake and promptly get Harper that ultrasound.  Go me.  Thanks for screwing up, doc.  Guess what, It WAS bigger. I was right.  Other than being right, that’s all the satisfaction I really got, because there’s not much to do about a cyst.  Fast forward from the cyst to a couple of weeks ago.  Harper was bipolar.  She was happy, mad, sad, angry, hurt, flirty, then enraged all in about 15 minutes.  Everyone noticed.  So we scurried off to the doctor for her sick appointment, and Buddy’s well check appointment all wrapped up into 1.  That was fun.  I got the whole “Harper has something viral, keep doing what your doing…blah blah blah…tylenol every 4 hours for her fever….blah blah blah….Oh yea we are going to give Buddy FOUR shots”.  We get home, all half dead, and try to get back to normal.  Both kids had 103 fevers the next day and are summoned back to the doctors office to be told to continue doing what we are already doing.  John goes on a guys lake weekend extravaganza while we all proceed to die at home.  Luckily my mother in law was able to take Harper off my hands that night that John was gone.  Buddy slept with me but did not sleep well at all.  He had a raging fever from his shots and was up about every hour or two.  That sunday, Harper was returned still feelin’ a little cruddy.  She sounded cruddy too.  SO WE GO BACK TO THE DOCTOR WITH 2 CHILDREN IN TOW.  By we, I mean MYSELF.  Harper has an ear infection.  Great.  We take home antibiotics.  In a few days she starts to sleep through the night again, making me think she feels a little better or is just too tired from all of this sickness to rebel anymore.

I celebrate my ability to be a mother and have 2 tame children in the same room around wednesday of last week.  Then my sick child sticks her pacifier in my well child’s mouth.  I stop celebrating my short lived victory.

By that friday night, my little Buddy is awake every couple of hours coughing and sneezing.

On Saturday morning he is immediately sent to the doctor with The Daddy.  I made that executive decision to skip the appointment.  I deserve a break.  When they return from their appointment, Buddy is visibly even more ill.  He has a double ear infection.  I am certain he is dying.  I send his  sister away to my mother in laws again and hold him ALL saturday.  He gets worse.  LIKE WAY WORSE.  He is so hoarse he can’t cry, he just whines in the SADDEST SOUND YOU’LL EVER HEAR IN YOUR LIFE.  I would compare it to the sound of a kitten dying.  SO. SAD.  I spent most of saturday cleaning massive amounts of vomit off the bed and crying while holding my sick baby.  I’d done all I could except cry with him.  So there we were.  Crying together.  I’d never experienced this type of sickness with Harper, she was lucky enough to live 366 days of her life illness free!  I was NOT prepared for a sick baby.  Harper returned on Sunday and everyone seemed to feel a little better, although not well.

Tuesday was Harper’s appointment with our geneticist.  He was able to talk to us more about her syndrome and what we need to expect in her future and when tests needed to be performed.  I alerted him that she had been waking up at night after we learned the cyst was larger, and that I thought it was bothering her.  I also let him know about some suspect discharge she was having.  When I say “I let him know” I mean, I was pushing him to get us more tests because I was sure she was about to start bleeding again.  He saw that I was not a doctor and just let me know we would do the tests in a month or so, no urgency necessary.  Ok.

Wednesday, Harper is spotting in her diaper.  I promptly send the genetics doctor an “I TOLD YOU SO” email and called every single doctor that Harper has to get our tests ordered before I could make it to Children’s hospital.  The cyst is bigger, but not ruptured, leading me to wonder if the blood is from her cycle.   I still don’t know.

Thursday (aka yesterday) we encountered zero blood.  That’s good, but I still have no idea what happened and am just scared it’s going to hit us all of a sudden full force again.  I utilize our blood free day to take Buddy back to the doctor since he still has a fever and cough.  Harper joins us since she also still has a fever, although, she acts like she feels good.  The doctor told me that now THEY BOTH HAVE DOUBLE EAR INFECTIONS.  Oh yeah, and we need to order a chest Xray for John tyler.  That’s how bad his lungs sound.  I cry.  We figure out that he does not have pneumonia, but he does have something called bronchiolitis, it requires an inhaler.  They both require different antibiotics since the previously ordered meds are not working.

Today is friday.  Today I am not leaving the house.  Okay technically I left the house once, but it was to purchase black out shades for the kids windows to increase nap time.  If that’s not a step towards my well being, I don’t know what is.

 

Here are some pictures of my sick children:

 

 

 

Let me tell ya about my friends.

I think that I rarely talk about them on here.  I always just assume my friends don’t especially want to be on the blog on a daily basis but I think they’ll like this one.  

Let’s start in order:  

My best friend N – She is my longest best friend in the world.  We met on the bus in the 7th (?) grade.  I didn’t like the girl.  I don’t know why, heck I was 11 years old I probably just wanted the bus seat to myself because I was selfish.  Then a few months later I got to know her.  YA’LL, SHE’S FREAKING FUNNY.  Soon after we were thick as thieves.  Singin’ dixie chicks and spice girls as loud as possible at her moms house.  Bless her mom.  She’s the girl who would give me the shirt off of her back to soak up my heartbroken tears.  SHE LET ME BLOW MY NOSE ON HER SHIRT.  That should tell you a lot about her.  She’s kind, loving, beautiful, A GREAT MOM, funny, and a true best friend.  I wrote her hundreds of notes during school.  HUNDREDS.  It broke my heart to see the girl ever sad.  My thing (it sounds cruel but it worked) was to laugh at her hysterically while she cried…until she started to laugh at how ridiculous I was being.  We did lots of crazy things, none of which will ever be discussed to outside parties.  They were fun.  She’s responsible for a lot of fun in my life!  I LOVE YOU N!!!

 

My best friend D – Oh man, I’ve spent A LOT of time with this girl.  We’ve gotten ourselves into some pretty crazy situations and lived a FUN life together!  I met her through my ex boyfriend, and luckily even after we broke up, she and I remained best friends.  She had my back even in my craziest ideas.  If I ever decided to kill someone, she would show up with a shovel.  (that didn’t actually happen)  She was there to tell me that some of my choices were crazy and irrational, but also stood by for when they failed and I needed someone.  Although it is rare for either one of us to hear/see the other one cry I always wanted to cry when she would cry.  She is an amazing girl.  She teaches, she’s athletic, she is in lots of way my twin, she’s a great mom, and an amazing singer- just like me.  I LOVE YOU D!!!

 

My best friend A- I met this girl under odd circumstances.  Actually, I was pretty sure she didn’t like me at all the first few times I saw her.  She dated my boyfriend at the time.  After a few visits with her I decided I’d like to start a relationship with her.  It started out with a couple of texts……then I was texting her more than my boyfriend!!!  A love blossomed.  🙂  She has gone above and beyond her friendship duties.  She has shown me that she truly cares about me in many ways, and i really appreciate her kindness and great advice.  Oh yea, and she’s really funny….and she thinks I’m funny too!  

 

My best friend K – I met this girl walking my great dane at my new apartment complex in birmingham.  She was my first birmingham friend.  Even better, she lived 600 feet away.   She has a good heart.  She’s the friend who would come over when I was at my lowest point with my favorite ice cream and a bottle of vodka.  Even if it was a work day, she would come over and drink wine and skype with my other friends with me to make me feel better.  I cried when she moved away from Birmingham!  I wanted her all to myself!  

 

My best friend (the other) A –  I feel so blessed to have met her.  I feel like God put her in my life when I needed a friend.  She never has anything negative to say about me.  She is always 100% supportive when I am questioning myself as a wife or a mother.  She loves my babies too and I’m pretty sure that her daughter is Harper’s best friend!  I hope we are together for many many years!  

 

A few of these girls got flowers today (my chattanooga peoples) and I just want to let them know I love them and appreciate them!  

 

How lucky am I?

XOXO

BELL

The F word

FORMULA.

We are currently 100% breastfeeding the new baby.  I’m slowly but surely running dry.

I started having anxiety attacks last week when everyday we would take a bag of our freezer stash.  The freezer stash is no more.  It’s all me.  All of the time.

So everyday I am starting to realize that soon we will be supplementing with formula.

I don’t really judge people who formula feed their babies- it’s their choice/or it’s chosen for them from their bodies.

It’s not that I think formula is poison, it’s just that he’s done SO well and gotten SO big from my milk.  I want to continue being proud of making him that way!  I don’t want to give credit to similac or infamil!!!  I don’t want to take fenugreek because it makes me smell like pancakes and I don’t even notice much of a difference with it anyways.

When you get towards the end, you start living paycheck to paycheck so to speak.  I pump, then he drinks it all within an hour of me pumping it.

I said I wouldn’t be sensitive about formula this time, but  I’m wrong.  I don’t even want to talk about it with anyone.

 

Well, here’s to hoping I can live paycheck to paycheck a little longer without having to dip into the formula.

XOXO

BEll

4 Months Old

 

 

Dear Buddy,

You are 4 months old this week.  I wish I knew the secret to stop time because I need you to stay this small and cuddly for The Mommy.  I sniff your head every day just to make sure that the newborn scent is still there.  It is.  It’s just not as strong as it once was.  Stop it.  Physically, you’re a big dude.  You weighed 14lbs last month.  I’m not sure what you’ll weigh when we go to your next dr appointment!  You are so happy when you are with me.

You’re serious when you see others.

You must really like me.  Who am I kidding?  You do REALLY like me.  You think I’m funny and you love the way I smell, even when I haven’t showered.  I actually think you like me more when I haven’t showered and washed all the good mommy smells off.  I won’t tell your friends about this when you’re older.  I think you’re going to be more like The Mommy than your sister is.  You already want to have a blankie like The Mommy.

Somedays you really like your sister and think she’s funny.

Most days you’re very concerned with her.  You have a look on your face when you hear her like “she’s RIGHT behind me isn’t she?”

Even though I think you will be a lot like The Mommy, you look just like The Daddy.

We will never need a paternity test.

Here are a few of your favorite things at 4 months old:

• The Mommy.
• Breastmilk.  LOTS of it.
• Your hands.  I melt when you chew on your hands.  It’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.  
• Blankets.  You have one.  You like mine as well.
• Movies.
• A twinkle twinkle little star video.  It was your sister’s FAVORITE thing ever.  She can sing along with it now!
• Ribbon.  You manage my bow making business and are so intrigued when I hand you my spare ribbon.  It’s so bright and pretty!
• Cuddling.

Things you dislike:

• Pooping.  Apparently it’s a real bear.
• To be set down.  You demand to be held at all times.
• Rice cereal.  We tried it a few days ago in your breast milk…….you’re still not over it.
• Loud sounds.

I can’t wait to see all of the new things you have in store for The Mommy and The Daddy.

I love my Buddy.

XOXO

The Mommy

McCune Albright Syndrome

I have been told by multiple people they’re concerned about my absenteeism on the blog lately. I just left you here. Cold turkey. No love note or anything. Sorry about that.

I’ve been very conflicted on whether to post on things that have been on my mind because it’s pretty heavy. I feel like now, I can clue everyone in on what’s been happening over here at Birmingham Bell.

As you saw- we have a new beautiful baby boy, John Tyler. He’s my buddy. He knows this too.

A month after we had my buddy there were a series of events that I wish on no parents.

A thursday evening I took Harper to go tinkle on her potty and noticed some brown discharge coming from her lady parts. It was a little gross, so I just made note to call her DR in the am when they open to see if this is normal or what they think about it. The world didn’t appear to be ending at the time I saw it.

Friday morning I go grab Harper from her crib and take her to my big potty to tinkle. She always “wipes” herself, then I’ll take her to the bed and really wipe her and put a diaper on. Well, I noticed a more pinkish discharge this time and that was my reminder to call the doc. I did leave her a message. I then went to go flush the toilet. In the toilet was BRIGHT RED clotty blood.

This is the part where I flip my $*%&. I call the dr and we both agree I need to load everyone up and head to their office asap. Keep in mind I have a newborn with me. This is a daunting task. John decides to meet me, and he showed up right in time. Both kids were screaming bloody murder and staff were buzzing around trying to help me out because they could see I was struggling.

Doctors always try to be optomistic when talking about your childs health. So ours said “it could be that she fell on top of a toy and nicked her lady parts, it could be a uti, it could be some other infection”… I was clear with her. It was none of those things. What I saw with my own eyes was menstral cycle blood. There’s nothing like it. THAT’S WHAT IT WAS. After a few tests and investigating further- AND seeing the picture I took of what was in our toilet, she agreed that I was correct. This was not a simple thing. It was huge. Our baby girl was bleeding. A lot.

We were sent to the children’s hospital for a series of tests and bloodwork. It was awful. It was basically 4 hours of John holding Harper down while she wailed.

We got home and made sure to spend extra time with her. We were both scared. She was still bleeding. I cried myself to sleep that night. Babies aren’t supposed to bleed.

We got the test results the next day. She had a cyst that had ruptured, but is still there. She also had elevated estrogen levels, and her uterus is visibly showing it’s been getting estrogen to it. None of this is good. She shouldn’t’ have estrogen in her uterus yet.

We flop back to a diagnosis we had discussed when she was just 4 weeks old. She has cafe au lait spots on her back. Only on the left side. This is a big indicator of 2 different syndromes. The first is neurofibromatosis, and the other is McCune Albright Syndrome. NF is the worst of the 2 because it affects the brain and parts of the brain that stimulate hormones. Tumors are common with this. The McCune albright syndrome is where we were leaning now because a symptom of that syndrome is precocious puberty. Although she hasn’t actually started a cycle yet, she is showing signs of precocious puberty in the form of too much estrogen. Armed with all the right symptoms for McCune Albright’s, our dr officially diagnosed her with it. I would cry every time I changed her diaper the week it happened.

It’s not ideal, but it’s better than the other diagnosis. We have to be extra careful because children with this syndrome have bones that will break easily because of the estrogen that weakens them. We have to always keep an eye out for symptoms of another cyst or a cycle. We avoided medications for now since it was a cyst and not a cycle. If she ever were to start a cycle very early she would be on medication until she is around 10. I don’t want that.

Thank goodness we are past that. Thank God for our doctor who kept an eye on this syndrome since Harper was 4 weeks old. Friends and family would tell me that our dr was just trying to scare me. They were wrong. I trusted her with everything I had, and she didn’t fail me.

Moms, trust your instincts. I knew something wasn’t right, but it wasn’t wrong enough for me to ask my dr to run tests on her at the time.

If you know anyone at all with McCune Albright Syndrom please have them email me at birminghambellblog@gmail.com I can’t really find anyone in real life that has this. It’s very rare 1 in 200 million I believe!

Pray that we keep getting the good answers and that none of the bad ones come our way.

XOXO

Bell

PS I almost deleted this whole thing because I have the hippocratic oath engrained in my head. Here I am sharing someone’s medical information! Shame on me!

1 and 1/2 years old!

 

Dear Harper,

Who threw us into this time warp?!? You were once a squishy newborn …seems like last week. I miss your squishiness, but baby girl, I love you more now than I ever have before! Seeing you is like seeing my heart walk around outside my body. We have to protect you, we have to provide a safe home for you to live in, safe friends to play with, and a whole ton of other things.

In the time that you’ve been with us you’ve taught us so many lessons, given us so many new emotions, you’ve daily made us laugh with you or at you, you’ve danced more than a few nights away. You’ve also shown us the love a sister has for her brother. We must’ve picked the right brother. Not sure if we can return him as it’s been over 14 days.

Lessons you’ve taught yourself as well as us:

1. Don’t be greedy. That’s right Honey, I found 4 Fake Toms in your toy box yesterday!!!
2. Proceed with caution. Especially on stairs. You taught yourself that lesson. Ouch.
3. Eat frequently so as not to turn into the evil witch of the west.

Emotions I feel with you:

• As a parent I have a huge fear that someone will try to take such a pretty little girl so I have to keep tabs on you at all times!
• Empathy with you as you endure test after test while we hold you down. It breaks our hearts to have to do that to you every other week. :*( I shed a tear every time, but try to get it together before you or anyone else notices.

• 
• SO loved. I can tell you love me. We play hug wars every other day and I LOVE IT!!! Not a day goes by you don’t make The Mommy and The Daddy smile.
• I feel like I am becoming your role model. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that to anyone before. You watch me all day and try to do exactly as I do! My 2 favorite things to do with you are: painting our nails to match and making faces in our front cam!
• 
• 

• 
• 

• 
• 
• Excited to see what you have in store for your brother. You are very sweet to him, you want to hold him and carry him, but he’s just a little too heavy for that now. Not sure he will ever be light enough for you to carry honestly.

Here are some skills you have mastered lately:

1. Ejecting The Daddy’s playstation games.
2. Reaching anything on our counters with a little tip toe action.
3. You turn into stealth fighter when you notice a phone unattended.
4. You pee pee on the potty all day long.
5. You rock your brother in his swing and in his carseat when he cries.
6. You give him his binky when he needs it.
7. You just figured out how to open the mini fridge. Broke my heart.
8. You’re still a dancin’ fool.
9. You can say: Daddy, Mommy, Nina, Pawpaw, Nana, Poppy, Nanny, Ashley, Aubrey, Linda, Kitty cat, Meow, puppy, blue, purple, pink, green, and yellow, and often refer to the dog as “nonono”(because that’s all the mommy and the daddy call him).
10. You can sing part of twinkle twinkle little star.
11. You can count some of your numbers, your favorite is nine.
12. You can brush The Mommy’s hair AND your teeth. Just not at the same time.

Everyday we have with you is a blessing and we love you with every cell of our being! You are our little shining star, Kitty.

The Mommy loves you.

XOXO

 

#FREEBUDDY

He always looks at me like “mom,
Help me escape this trap”!!

Sushi shenanigans

Many of my friends know that last year John and I had the pleasure of taking a local sushi making class.

It was SO MUCH FUN.

I totally made this 3 days after my class!!!

Today is the company’s 1 year anniversary and I thought it would be a good time to give them a shout out!  My friend Kelly is the main vein.  She is AMAZING.  Seriously.  I don’t think we would have retained so much information in our mushy new baby filled heads if it hadn’t been for Kelly’s spunk and humor.  She is not only a great educator and artist,  she might as well be a comedian.

I know everyone has already read THIS POST about our experience with Birminghamsushiclasses.  Well, I at least know 3 people read it because I have 3 feedbacks.  Thanks you guys, all three of you!!!  🙂

 

If you live in the Birmingham area, go take one of their classes, you won’t regret it.  If you do regret it, I will personally have you over to my house and bake you a pie to make up for it.  But I promise you’ll love the class.

One of the coolest things Kelly has come out with lately for my friends who live in far far away land (or Chattanooga) is an online sushi class!!!  For the price of going out on a cheap date, you can stay at home and learn how to make sushi!!!  She’s a genius, I know.  Here is where you go to hook yourself up with a sweet online sushi making course: http://www.birminghamsushiclasses.com/Online_Sushi_Class.html

Congratulations BirminghamSushi!

XOXO

Bell

 

My Buddy’s first month home

*ONE MONTH OLD PICS*

Dear Buddy,

The Mommy can’t believe how much love you have brought into our family.  Who knew there was room for more love!?!?   There was!  From the moment I saw you, I deemed you mine.  I know you’re Daddy’s too, but I knew you were my person.  When I was in a lot of pain in the hospital, they would put your naked little baby body on my bare tummy.  I have no idea how, but you healed me in those moments.  You lessened my pain, and relaxed me to the point of almost napping.  You took care of Mommy . Even The Daddy noticed you made me feel better in those painful times.   I knew You were going to hang onto me and be the epidomy of a Momma’s Boy.  My sweet boy, I was right.  You are MY boy.  My Buddy.  You like my smell, you like my skin, you like the clothes I wear, you like my blanket, you like my special bounces and rocks, and you LOVE TO STARE AT MY FACE.   It melts me into a pile of mush sometimes.  I can’t help but to think I’m kind of a big deal to you.

Here’s how you look at me (I feel like you’re thinking “HEY MOMMA, when did you get here????”:

In your first month you:

• Are amazing at staring contests.
• GREW TO 11 LBS.
• Know how to hang on to the Mommy’s shirts so she can’t get away when you fall asleep.  See:
• rolled from front to back
• are starting to smile on purpose:
•  
• 
• are making tiny coos maybe a few times a day, but I just know you’ll get the hang of cooing soon!
• grew out of newborn size clothes
• Grew a mustache :
•  
• 
• 
• Sleep 2.5 hours straight before you need the Mommy to feed you.
• are starting to show signs of being almost ready to hold your own head up.  My strong boy!

Favorite things:

• Boobs
• Milk
• The scent of boobs.
• Mommy and her stare-worthy face
• Poopin’
• Tootin’
• Peeing with a ridiculously forceful stream sure to go all the way across the room.
• Soothie pacifiers with animals attached.

I can’t wait to see all of your milestones unfold.  We are so lucky that The Daddy has the Mommy stay at home so that no moments will go unseen!  The best gift a Daddy can give to a Mommy is to let her stay at home and watch her precious babies every single day.

You make my life better.  You make me smile every single day, even if it’s a bad day!  You make me want to do more for my family and be a better person for you guys!

I love you more than words could begin to describe, you, your sister, and your father completely fill my heart.

Love,

The Mommy

 

Please do me a favor and VOTE for us on Top Baby Blogs.  Just click the owl on the left to confirm your vote!!

The boobie files

I latch sometimes, but find myself pumping a lot more. This is because I have a toddler who doesn’t breastfeed and who doesn’t care if I need time to breastfeed her brother. Or sees this time as an opportunity to get into EVERYTHING that she shouldn’t. She’s smart like that. I figured I would make a list of the things I like to do when I am bored during my pumping sessions. They usually last 15-20 minutes depending on how engorged I am.

These lists are made from a person who owns the most amazing product available: a pumping bra.

This list is for my pumper peeps who are plugged into a wall and do not have free reign to move wherever they want:

 

• Download the words with friends app.
• Download the scramble with friends app. (My personal favorite game!!)
• Get a Vine account and enjoy all the neat video clips- make some of your own too! This is a new discovery for me and I have already wasted hours of my life on it in 2 days.
• Tetris. (I’ve seriously played tetris the entire 20 minutes I’ve pumped before)
• Facebook. DUH.
• Paint your nails – just enough time to dry without causing pesky dings.

 

If you have a fancy freestyle pump that allows you to walk around while pumping:

*Keep in mind, even if you do have a freestyle pump that allows you to “do things”, you can’t bend over, all of your milk will dump out into the floor. Lets be real ladies, WE DO CRY OVER SPILLED MILK.

• Do your makeup if you’re about to head out. (this can also be done with the plug in pump if you take your makeup and mirror to your pump location!)
• Wash all those dirty bottles in your sink. (but don’t bend too far over- keep an eye on how full your bottles are!!)
• Fold a load of clean clothes.
• Style your hair.
• Brush your teeth.
• Pee.
• Pump on your drive somewhere. You read that right. I will set up my freestyle pump in the car right before I leave home. I have a great pump holder bra so “look ma, no hands!!!” Then I put a cover over my front so nobody can see I’m pumping, press start, and hit the road! When you are around 20 minutes into your ride, make a pit stop at a closed business or empty gas station and remove the equipment , celebrate your tall glasses of baby milk, and drive on! Use discretion of course. Not everyone has the ability to pump and drive safely. I put my buckle on before I hook up the tubing so I’m safely restrained. (obligatory safety disclaimer: BirminghamBell is not responsible for any injuries obtained by readers who attempt to pump and drive)

 

 

Anymore suggestions would be appreciated!

XOXO

BELL

 

Sisterly Love

We can already see it budding.

She will always give him kisses.

She will try to hold him for a while.

She will give him her version of a hug….may look like strangulation, but it’s sweet.

She pets him now, without breaking out a game of wack a mole on his face anymore.

She says BABY.  SO CUTE.

 

 

 

 

I just can’t wait to see how their relationship evolves over time.

People worry about the first child feeling unloved or believe that the parents have to divide their love between two now, and I’m not a part of those beliefs.

I love them both equally.  My love for Harper has not faded an inkling.  But I have new love in my life now.  Instead of my love, I have my loves.

Now I get to see them love each other.  Oh heart be still.

I get to see a sister love a brother and a brother love a sister.

I get to see John’s love for 2.  Then I have even more love for him.

All that love might make ya just explode!!!!

XOXO

Bell

TWO

What’s it like with TWO under TWO you ask?

Well I’m halfway into my second month with my 2, so it’s high time I tell you guys how it’s been over here in bama.

Also, prepare yourself for the photo dump since I have literally posted 3 times since the birth of our son.

Here’s a few nineteen before I start:

  

       

I was terrified for John to go back to work, and for my mother to go back home, leaving me alone with 2 children that would certainly eat me alive.

The day came.  It was pretty awesome.  Harper must have had some purple drank in her bottle because she slept until TEN that morning.  TEN!!!!  She literally NEVER does that.  Praise Jesus, ya’ll!  By the time she woke up, John Tyler and myself had rested up from our hectic night and I was able to get up feeling somewhat rested while he snoozed in my bed.  Harper was in a good mood too.  A change from the previous week.  She had been hell on wheels for a few weeks.  Thank you lord for lifting her brat tastic mood.  My sweet baby was back!!!!!  I set her up with a movie and went downstairs to make her breakfast.  She was contently waiting for me when I came back up with her yogurt/banana/granola mix.

Here’s why she was mean to me the first few weeks of being home.  6 teeth at once.  SIX TEETH AT ONCE.

While my big baby was playing in her playroom, my little tiny buddy was just snoozin’ in Momma’s bed!

So Harper and I play/clean up the house a little and right around nap time, guess who I hear waking up?  You guessed it!! John Tyler.  He was ready to play.

Harper went down for her normal nap and I snuggled up to feed my buddy.  Then (thank ya jesus!) he was ready to go right back to sleepy town with Momma.  Momma needed that sleepy time.

Nap time was beautiful.  It lasted around 3 hours.  And I actually go to sleep an hour of it!  🙂  SCORE!

Soon, John was home to see any possible damage.  Other than the lack of dinner or housework, he was pleased.  I had kept them alive.

 

 

Days like this happen more than I had expected.

Then there are DARK days where I’m sure they pow wow on how to break me down to a tiny ball of frustration.

They turn me into a woman that wants to drink.  (disclaimer:  I don’t actually drink.  Tried it the other night, didn’t like it, didn’t get past beer #1.)

There are usually 1-2 more magical days than dark days, I’ll take it.

Dark days are the days we stay home and dare not venture out, for it will surely create the perfect storm.

 

 

How the work involving the babies has been impacted:

The work is not double.  No no no no no…it is triple or even quadruple.

The number of diapers used on a daily basis has greatly increased.  We probably go through triple the diapers as opposed to when we only had Harper around.

We change our sheets 2x a week MINIMUM.  I have become a vile woman who is not above sleeping in a little urine if it’s 3am when the incident occurs.

I create double the laundry I used to -from being vomited on, leaked on, peed on, etc.  John tyler always has a nice load (no pun intended) for us too, he throws up on, poops on, or pees on about 3 outfits a day/1 a night.  Good thing the kid has more clothes than a grown man.

All hands on deck is ideal.  If we are both at home, one of us  needs to pick a baby and be its person.  It’s a “This one is yours and this one is mine” sort of living.  Your journey is a success if you keep your designated baby alive.

If we are both home and decide to go to a store, we have to pick one to accompany us while parent #2 stays at home with the other baby.

If dinner is desired and you’ve had one of those “perfect storm” days, tell parent 2 to pick something up on the way or suggest a frozen dinner from the house.  I can pull a nice dinner off on magical days, but I can barely eat a single teddy graham  all day on those DARK days!  I have only eaten lunch at home 1 time in the last 3 weeks.  Whatever.  More weight watchers points for me at 11pm when I can REALLY eat.

 

I hope everyone else I used to be internet land friends with is okay and surviving well with their new babies!!!

XOXO

Bell

While you’re here, help me out and go to Top baby blogs to vote for us.  All you have to do is click HERE and then click the owl on the left to confirm your vote!

 

Following Your Kid’s Doctor’s Orders

I loved the diagram so much, I felt like I needed to share!!!!

AMAZING facts!

Motivation, people!!!

Thank you Laotion Commotion for posting this!

 

Following Your Kid’s Doctor’s Orders.

XOXO

Bell

Things I’m sure are true:

1. If I wash this baby’s head, he won’t smell like baby anymore.
2. If I take him out of his carseat in public, a ninja baby snatcher will appear and steal him from me.
3. That his runny right eye is not from a “clogged tear duct” as the doctor told me, but it’s really from his first day home, when he peed in his own eye.
4. I suffer from shower schizophrenia. I hear baby cries the entire shower. Nobody is crying in the house.
5. The baby doesn’t care much for me when I take a shower and wash the “boob smell” off.

These things are all true and legit.

They just are.

“Two of my favorite things, Mommy”